By Jessica Williams, 18yrs
The weekend before last, I was feeling great in myself, no feeling of self-loathing in sight and whilst tidying my room I decided to go through the clothes in my closet. I was in the mood for a deep clear out, and it was definitely needed!
My Closet and My Body Image
Around two and a half years ago I put on a substantial amount of weight (around 10kg) and within a number of months another 5kg got added more gradually. This was a consequence of not wanting to move forward in my life, and instead digging my heels in. As a result a lot of my clothes, especially jeans and dresses, didn’t fit me any more. My body image hit rock bottom, and my self-loathing skyrocketed.
Instead of throwing these clothes away I made piles of them and put these piles at the back of my cupboard, so that when I ‘got skinny’ in the future (that was the plan), I would be able to wear them again. Sounds practical and simple, no? Or so I thought..
Instead of throwing these clothes away I made piles of them and put these piles at the back of my cupboard, so that when I ‘got skinny’ in the future (that was the plan), I would be able to wear them again. Sounds practical and simple, no? Or so I thought..
Back to the clear out…and Losing Excess Weight
Part of the reason I was going through my closet was because I have been starting to feel better about my body as I had lost some of this excess weight recently. It did not happen through any crazy diet, such as the one-day eating/one-day not eating, which I had tried before and it didn’t really work for me, or a new and improved exercise routine. All I did was start to make different choices to look after myself, and to do things that make me feel good – super simple. A stark contrast to the regular binges that I used to do almost every night, and the total lack of exercise. But that’s another story…
So, back to the closet, I was going through the clothes and although some of them now fitted me – I didn’t feel any self-applause, and there was no climatic moment, which is what I had expected myself to feel after hardly being able to breathe whenever I tried these clothes on over the past two years. Instead I actually felt unsettled and uncomfortable. But why?
So, back to the closet, I was going through the clothes and although some of them now fitted me – I didn’t feel any self-applause, and there was no climatic moment, which is what I had expected myself to feel after hardly being able to breathe whenever I tried these clothes on over the past two years. Instead I actually felt unsettled and uncomfortable. But why?
When Self-Loathing came out of the Closet
Whilst trying the clothes, I could feel the self loathing that I had been bullying myself with just oozing out of the closet, like I had been holding my self and my body to ransom for all that time, saying “you’re not good enough unless you fit into these clothes”. That’s a lot of times, opening up my closet and instead of looking in my mirror on the inside of my cupboard door and appreciating and adoring what I saw, I was bullying myself in my head saying I was just not good enough.
What I realised is that these piles of self-loathing had just been sitting there in my room and in my mind/body for all this time, and I had been carrying it with me every single day. I can now understand why I have avoided looking at my body so much in the past and have just used clothes to hide in, instead of expressing how beautiful I actually am.
What I realised is that these piles of self-loathing had just been sitting there in my room and in my mind/body for all this time, and I had been carrying it with me every single day. I can now understand why I have avoided looking at my body so much in the past and have just used clothes to hide in, instead of expressing how beautiful I actually am.
No more getting trapped in self-loathing
In the week after I cleared out my closet I felt a lot lighter – not necessarily on the scales, but in how I approached each day, and in everything that I did. It was interesting to notice that I enjoyed living in and looking at my body more and more as the week went on – which was amazing to feel, and I felt beautiful not because of how I looked in the mirror or if I fitted into the ‘skinny clothes’, but because of how I felt when I walked, worked and when I spoke.
But at the start of this week, there was a difference. There were those thoughts sneaking in again of, “you should lose weight” or “that’s not good enough”. At first I was annoyed, as I thought I had gotten over this self-loathing issue the week before! However, I realised it doesn’t happen just like that – my closet was just one ‘pocket’ that I had looked at and by looking at it and dealing with it (or at least having a first go, as there is more clearing out to do), it had made a huge difference in my life.
The question then came; what is the next pocket to look at?
I came to an understanding that instead of going the downward spiral way of putting myself down (which I have experienced), and getting trapped in self-loathing I can only grow in how beautiful I feel as a woman if I am prepared to look at what the next thing, in the way of me expressing in full, is there to let go of.
But at the start of this week, there was a difference. There were those thoughts sneaking in again of, “you should lose weight” or “that’s not good enough”. At first I was annoyed, as I thought I had gotten over this self-loathing issue the week before! However, I realised it doesn’t happen just like that – my closet was just one ‘pocket’ that I had looked at and by looking at it and dealing with it (or at least having a first go, as there is more clearing out to do), it had made a huge difference in my life.
The question then came; what is the next pocket to look at?
I came to an understanding that instead of going the downward spiral way of putting myself down (which I have experienced), and getting trapped in self-loathing I can only grow in how beautiful I feel as a woman if I am prepared to look at what the next thing, in the way of me expressing in full, is there to let go of.
