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Taking Care Of Myself First as a Busy Doctor

7/2/2018

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Dr Amelia Stephens is a GP living and working in Brisbane. She works in a busy clinic as well as teaching students and researching medical topics at the University of Queensland. She has studied for many years herself and has learned a lot about the importance of taking care of herself during work and study.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over my time working as a doctor, is that if I don’t take such great care for myself first, I cannot do the same for my patients. Every day I go to work and there are many people to see -  to help, diagnose and guide through the treatment of different illnesses as well as life problems. As a GP, we don’t just treat physical illnesses, but also do a lot to help people in general with their lives.


I love being able to support people as part of my job, and the support that I provide would not be anywhere near possible if I didn’t take really great care of myself first.

​Growing up, and when I was studying, I didn’t take as good care of myself as I do now – which was part of my learning. I imagine how much less exhausted I would have been with my studies, and potentially how much more I could have learned, had I taken much greater care with myself from the start.

There are some key things that I do now, that mean I take care of myself first:
  1. Whenever I can, I go to bed early. I know I sleep best, and feel refreshed if I consistently go to bed around 9pm. Sometimes I can’t, and that’s ok – I’ve also developed ways to be very settled in the evening so that late nights don’t affect me so much. I love settling myself into my bed at night, and winding down beforehand I know is very, very important for the quality of my sleep.
  2. I eat foods that I know my body loves (actually loves) – which means foods that nourish me from the inside out. I ate a fair amount of junk food growing up, and it definitely did not make my body feel vital and full of energy. I love making myself healthy and delicious meals now, and my body definitely thanks me for it!
  3. I make time to appreciate the things I am doing well, and also how valuable I am. I know I am not valuable because I am a doctor, I’m valuable because I take all of me and my wisdom to what I do as a doctor. If I was to do any other job it would be the same, and it would be equally important. Taking time to appreciate the specific things we do well, and bring to those around us – just by being us - is really important. There’s no one just like me or you, which means we all have a very important part to play.

These 3 things I now do consistently, but it has taken some practice. I love taking care of myself first, and it actually means I can do so much more to help take care of those around me too.
 
By Amelia Stephens
Photography by Dean Whitling
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Observations of a Caring Man

2/2/2018

2 Comments

 
These two blogs are written by a local Tenterfield man whose care and concern calls on us all as a community to support our girls and young women given the forces that surround them in their lives, such as social media and bullying.
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Technology 

​Technology is fantastic and each generation brings something new to keep making us move forward. The telephone, television, mobile phones and the internet which has Google, Skype and Facebook just to name a few. The internet is great and we have learnt how to use it so easily, but just how easily can you put something on it for everyone to see. 
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There is so much violence, swearing, bullying and pornography on the internet, but no-one seems to be monitoring what goes on. You have to be a certain age to vote, to get your drivers licence, to drink at the pub, but why can anyone access everything on the internet? How can an eight year old bring up pornography on the internet when searching for information on a school project to do with animals?

I know of a group of boys at different high schools who play a game called Roll Call. Girls names are written down on a piece of paper and then the boys have to try and touch the girls without being noticed or caught...They skype each other and show them playing the game. 

​Why isn’t there a governing body that can block what goes on the internet?

Technology is great and we need to keep moving forward,
but at what cost does it come at sometimes? 

bullying

Melissa was a vibrant bubbly teenager in her first year of high school. Tony was in Melissa’s class and as time went on they became girlfriend and boyfriend. ​

Tony had two older brothers he hung around with and they would talk about sex and watch porn. Tony’s perception of a girlfriend wasn’t someone to 
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respect but an object for sex. Tony would touch Melissa inappropriately and try and push himself onto her but Melissa would push him away and say, no I don’t want to. Tony would also try and get Melissa to wear skimpy clothes as that’s what he had seen on the internet and in magazines but once again Melissa felt uncomfortable wearing them and refused to.

Melissa couldn’t handle it anymore and broke up with him, which made Tony angry and he started teasing her and spreading rumors. Due to the teasing and rumors, Melissa started to become an introvert, her grades slipped and she didn’t want to go anywhere.
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Melissa was struggling. Not only was she dealing with a new school environment with new students, teachers and activities, but she was also being teased and bullied.

Eventually Melissa broke down and told her older sister Sophie who had been away on an exchange school program what had been happening. Sophie approached Tony and told him he should have more respect for females and asked him how he would feel if someone was doing this to his sister.

Melissa, Sophie and their parents approached the principal and explained what had been going on and they wanted something done - not to Tony but more about the situation. The principal held a school meeting in the hall and had organised a counsellor to speak on the day to discuss sex, sexual diseases, pregnancy, and about males having respect for females.

Melissa eventually got back to her normal bubbly self with the all the love and help of family, friends and a counsellor.  

* All names have been changed to protect identities.

Photography by
Shannon Everest and Iris Pohl
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So…Who Is Your Role Model?

28/2/2017

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After attending the recent Girl to Woman Festival in Lennox Head - with the theme 'Whose role model are you?' - Emilia Pettinato reflected on the role models she had as a child and how this has changed today. 

Who was your role model as a kid?

Gosh...I don't know?!

The first person that came to me was Michael Jordan. I'm assuming you know Michael Jordan...? The American basketball player who is said to be the greatest basketball player of all time. His trademark Air Jordan sneakers and apparel are still sold on mass today worldwide. I got my first pair of Jordans in primary school. I actually used to place them on a chair next to my bed so my basketball boots were the first thing I looked at when I woke up. Yeah I did that...What?! They had speckled multi coloured soles and velcro...can you blame me? :) 

You may know the commercial promoting the drink Gatorade in the 90's where a choir of kids, men and women sing 'Like Mike, if I could be like Mike'...teamed with a video clip of people playing basketball, imitating MJ's signature moves. It sounds like a song out of the movie The Lion King or something...lots of drumming, emotion-stirring stuff.  He really was pinned as a king during that time of his sporting career. That song was a bit of an anthem of the 90's.  I wasn't the only one who wanted - or still wants - to be like Mike.

It's weird when reflecting on who I admired and looked up to when I was younger. I collected both basketball cards and football cards. I spent countless dollars (pinched from dad's coin jar) on sports cards, placing pictures of these random men into their clear plastic pockets with great precision. Taking my card folder to school, getting recognition from the boys for having cards they wanted. 

This may all sound like your typical experience of many kids growing up, idolising certain sports stars, celebrities, musicians...copying what they wear, their moves, how they act, what they do etc. 

Not much of a big deal...right???
 
Well...now that I'm a 34 year old woman/school teacher and not a 12 year old tom boy/student anymore,  I know there is no possibility the people I looked up to in my early years would even gain a look in today. And there is no way I would be sleeping next to my sneakers...although let's be honest: I still love shoes ! :)

Why?

What's changed?

Why don't I want to be like Mike anymore?

It only takes a quick google search to see photographs and headlines of Jordan cigar smoking, cigar smoking and more cigar smoking. Jordan playing golf with a cigar in mouth, stories of gambling addiction, partying, being a womanizer, marriage breakdown, being abusive to teammates...the list goes on. We may say 'what's the big deal, we can't judge...people can do what they want in their personal life!' While this is true to an extent, this is not about defending people's questionable choices. This is about the fact that when we look up to someone, like a sport star or celebrity for example, we don't just get the person's skills and talents to shoot heaps of hoops,  kick lots of goals or hit the high notes,  we get the whole way that person lives up until that game, that score, that performance. So while our so-called role models are often very skilled in what they do, the way they behave, party and take care of themselves (or not) is also clocked by their fans, both young and old. 

For example:

How often do we hear about celebrities we pin as really 'having it together', later confessing or being exposed for being a mess in other areas of their life?

How often do we hear about another sports star getting into trouble with drugs and alcohol?

How often do we see celebrities or sports stars not know what to do with themselves when they are no longer working in the lime light?

Being a teacher and a youth worker, I get to see myself as a kid over and over again. I see children and teenagers play out similar things to what I did when I was their age. Only Mike today maybe Miley, or Miley may be Bieber, or Bieber may be Beckham, or Beckham may be Jolie...the list of celebrities and sports stars could go on and on.

The point is, I see young people wanting to be like everyone else but themselves. Chameleoning themselves depending on who's hot that month. Changing fashion, attitudes, ways of talking and walking. Changing what they talk about, listen to and play. Changing how they behave or who they hang out with, date, follow online etc.

So where does that leave us?

Wanting to be the best and super competitive like Mike?  The fastest, prettiest, skinniest, buffest, most daring? In comparison to others, never settling and accepting we are enough, driving ourselves to achieve and succeed based on these external images we are measuring ourselves against. Or perhaps the opposite - giving up in some way, retreating into an online world, burying ourselves in work, hiding in relationships, hobbies etc.

So when we are asked the question - Do you see yourself as a role model? - It is super interesting to see if we allow ourselves to really go there with the qualities we naturally bring and simply are. As opposed to focusing on the stuff we 'do' and the skills we are 'good' at. Do we truly value and appreciate what we model naturally to others, knowing that our choices are influential and super inspiring? Or do we pretend to be unaware that our every movement is being clocked by our kids, others and even ourselves...just like I used to clock the signature moves of Michael Jordan.


Given the intensifying saturation of celebrity culture today, influencing our every move with great force,  there has never been a more important time to truly know and claim what we model in our every move...taking responsibility for the fact that our own signature moves can be ones that support, love & care for ourselves and others in every moment...or do the opposite. 

Enjoy connecting to the role model you are. 

"Like me, I want to be simply me!"

Now that's a theme song for the new millennium :) 

​
By Emilia Pettinato

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The Social Media Age

28/1/2017

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What if social media is more harming than we realise? Kate Robson shares what happened when her 11-year-old daughter started - and then stopped - using apps such as musical.ly and Snap Chat.

​It’s hard to admit it but I had my head buried in the sand.  I’m talking social media.  My daughter is 11 and in a 5/6 composite class.  She was in grade 5 but will be in grade 6 now.  She has been asking me for Instagram for years.  All of her friends have it.  I have said we will talk about it when she is in high school.  Early into grade 5 though, she started talking about musical.ly – an app where you sing songs and can share them with your friends.  Everyone had it except her. 
 
I said yes we can have a look at it.  It became her favourite thing in the world.  It was all any of the girls wanted to do or talk about.  Make funny dances up, sing to songs and ‘like’ each other’s performances.  Everyone really did have it so I said she could keep it and was very clear that her account had to be private. 
 
I sat through watching those clips she would so buoyantly show me so many times thinking, ‘I really don’t like this, it feels so off,’ but I was taken by her enthusiasm and did not want to take something off her she loved so much.  I also didn’t want her to feel left out or like she didn’t fit in.  She actually said, ‘if I don’t do these things then I will be too different.  I will miss out on all of the talking with my friends.’  I understood that feeling.  Not wanting to be left alone.  The dag.
 
Then one day an 18-year-old friend came over and asked me ‘why is she is on there?’ She told me of her experience of these platforms and the sexual energy that underpins them with young girls and boys singing and dancing to very explicit rap songs and mimicking the very suggestive movements of the pop stars. They then often share these publically. The average age of a user is under 12.
 
We looked through her account. Months after she opened it we realised she had it not set to private. A private account is only seen by friends (a limited audience), so she had opened it up to get more likes. This is by design, the psychological hook of the app, which is like a children’s own ‘top 100 charts’ with them as the stars. Kids only become ‘famous’ on musical.ly if their accounts are public. And so she had turned the private setting to ‘off’ and on her account we discovered that there was indeed a comment from a pedophile. 

It is at this point as a parent you do a double take. I just could not believe how irresponsible I had been. How I had not checked this sooner? How had I just trusted her to be ok on this app when I knew what it felt like on the site and how addictively hooked into it they all were? What was it that blindsided me even though I knew?
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That brings me to snap chat.  Same deal.  ‘Mum, it is just a messaging thing and look people can put flowers in their hair and please, please, please, everyone has it but me.’ 'Ok.'  This one seemed ok too at the start.  Just messages and fun pictures.  Only to your friends.  Safe yeah?  Whoa.  Have you seen the pictures on snap chat?  They distort and make your eyes glassy and turn beautiful young girls into vixens.  Again.  Felt like it wasn’t ok, didn’t like the photos but kept on with it knowing it wasn’t good for her.  Knowing she was taking selfies using the ‘dead filter’ to make her look like a murder victim.
 
Even though I knew it felt wrong I was going with the notion that everyone had it and this is ‘the generation’ and you can’t hide from it, she will have to learn…but learn what?  That taking dead photos of yourself and sharing them is cool?  That the abusive way kids speak and swear to each other on these platforms and at school is normal?  What a whack of irresponsibility I had to face.  Not anymore.  I am so grateful our friend spoke to me about her experience of these platforms and got me to look a bit deeper and trust what my feelings had been from the start. 
 
I write this to all parents and kids because I understand the pressure out there for our kids to be on these sites, but the truth is they are very harming, very damaging and very abusive dressed up as fun and normal.

The interesting thing was when I took them off her iPad she didn’t protest.  She was upset of course because it was a link-way to her friends, but she did not refuse, no tantrum, we had a long conversation about it and in her I could feel almost a relief, a ‘thanks mum, you finally got it.’  When I wrote to her teacher about it he said ‘Snap Chat is one of the most dangerous sites for kids to be on.  So many of them are on there.’ 
 
End point – I will trust myself and how things feel and will not give myself or in this case my daughter away to what everyone else is doing or to ‘the generation’ argument ever again.   I will show her and all of the kids around us that they are worth so much more than that.  That is the role model I want to be.
 
By Kate Robson
Photograph by Shannon Everest


The recently held Girl To Woman Festival hosted a specific Workshop for Parents to discuss what is happening for young people on Social Media and to look at ways they can truly support their kids to be safe online. A Social Media support group for parents will be launched shortly. Subscribe to the newsletter to learn more.
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The Belle General Team Supporting The Girl to Woman Festival

10/1/2016

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Hello my name is Sarah and I am one of the three owners of The Belle General Café. In my teenage years I struggled to accept myself, so instead moulded myself to the image of what I perceived to be cool. The price I paid was enormous and it took over a decade for me to fully recover and finally embrace the beautiful woman I naturally am. This struggle for girls has intensified and I for one want to be their advocate and role model. My sister Rebecca once said,
‘true rebellion is having the courage to be yourself’.

Last year we were huge supporters of the very first of these festivals. Kyla was a guest speaker in a discussion group on eating disorders.
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Last year my husband Ray Karam did an awesome talk on raising girls and the importance of a strong bond between father and daughter and how this then influences our daughters’ choices in partners and relationships. This year he will be talking about maintaining a loving and caring relationship with our daughters, as they go through a sometimes difficult transition from a girl to woman.

Ray is an extremely active local community member and owns a health and bulk organic food store in Ballina called Nourish All of You.
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Ray Karam pictured above

This year Nourish and The Belle will be providing delicious affordable food as the G2W Festival represents exactly what we and our businesses are about – community, family and education on heath and well-being.
 
G2W is the most inspirational festival I have attended to date… a family orientated day designed to celebrate and appreciate all the extraordinary young woman in our lives. It not only embraces and supports our young women but also their parents, friends and/or relatives through what can be a typically challenging time.
 
The concerns that our girls face in the modern world are ever increasing with:

         •   Media pressures
         •   Imposed expectations to look this way or that
         •   The stress of beginning high school
         •   Cyber bulling
         •   Managing a social media presence
 
This is just to name a few. The range of discussion groups and guest speakers are designed to support with these topics and many more.
 
Saturday 9th of January 2016 at Lennox Head Community Centre is an opportunity for families to have a beautiful Belle General feed at a fraction of the price of our café in East Ballina at Shelly’s Beach and is just a great place to get together to support our community.

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The Belle General at 12 Shelly Beach Rd, East Ballina NSW 2478

My 5 kids and I had a ball last year at G2W. My girls particularly loved making their own perfume but also enjoyed the makeup tent and live music. Admittedly, our 3 boys spent most of the time eating but the food was healthy, affordable and delicious, so I wasn’t complaining.
 
All in all the day was informative, fun and touching. A great community event that we, The Belle General  and Nourish are proud to sponsor. This year we will be providing lunch – our awesome nachos being one popular item on the menu, as well as a delicious and nutritious morning and afternoon treats from The Belle Bakehouse. Nourish will be offering fruits, nuts and plenty of healthy snack ideas for your family lunchboxes too.
 
I hope to see you all there!
 
With big love,
Sarah Baldwin and the Team

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The Impact Of Social Media And Media On Girls

31/12/2015

11 Comments

 
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Child educator Kristy Wood is the Director of Kids in Connection and has over 17 years experience working with young people from remote communities to suburban areas. Kristy will be presenting on self-respect and social media for young people at the upcoming Girl to Woman Festival

Throughout my entire career spanning over 17 years, I've seen a substantial intensification of social media and media targeting and being accessed by our kids in more recent years. I've worked extensively throughout many states of Australia and have begun to notice trends that are commonly impacting on our youth nationwide. Throughout my substantial travel and experiences I have heard concerns and comments from children that I feel are important to be shared so that we can stop and reflect on what is really going on for children and young people today.
 
When I often talk about what’s going on for girls today, some people say, ‘yes there’s more technology now but it’s not that different to when I was growing up, we still had peer group pressure and things’. However, as a woman in my thirties working in the area of social and emotional development, I would challenge this.
 
What I am seeing young girls experience today is very, very different to what I experienced growing up at this age. The pressures they are facing and the messages they are getting from a young age don’t stop, it is constant. When they go home from school, the peer pressure doesn’t stop, added to this is the media bombardment and over sexualisation of girls and women.
 
I recently visited a newsagent, and the section of magazines for four to eight year old girls filled up almost half an aisle. When I looked through the magazines most had pictures of models and dolls in very sexualised poses. One colour-in image was the outline drawing of a young girl, pouting and leaning forward suggestively, what was this suggesting to young girls?
The fact is they are invariably going to take in the image when they view it and its an image that is embedded with a message that says ‘this is what it is to be a girl or woman today’.
 
The impact that modern media, mainstream and social, is having on young girls today is massive. It is a constant pressure and bombardment of images of how they need to be, and it doesn’t stop. It’s 24/7 for their whole childhood, pre-teen and teenage years. It is becoming more and more common for us to accept this as ‘the new normal.’ As a community there is much here for us to look at.
 
Through what girls are sharing they are picking up messages on what it means to be a girl or woman through the internet, tv, movies, you tube, Instagram, Facebook, magazines, film clips, watching older girls, their mum’s and other women around them’.
 
When girls are asked ‘what are some of the messages you receive from this?’, one of the most common responses is, ‘you have to be perfect, everything needs to be perfect, you need to look perfect and act perfect and you need to be super hot’.
 
When I ask, ‘when you look at all these things around you does it change how you feel about yourself? ‘Almost all girls say ‘yes’. They share how ‘you look at that and when you’re not like that, you think that there’s something wrong with you’.

I have heard younger girls say things like,
I like to watch movies where the girls are into sports and have super toned and muscly bodies. I wanted to have a body like that so I trained really hard, then when I got a body like that more music videos came out that showed women with big butts and all the boys were into that and I was like, oh no'.
She laughed and made a joke about how she didn’t have a big butt and made a sad face, even though she was laughing you could see she was taking all this in and it was having an impact on her self esteem.

Another girl shared that,
Whenever anyone works really hard to get to something, like, to be like one of those women or have a hot body, then as soon as you get there, straight away there’s something else you’re not happy with. Its impossible to meet all the pictures, there will always be something you’re not happy about’.
When I asked girls ‘do all these pressures impact on your friendships’?
They all laughed and dramatically shook their heads saying ‘YES! It effects EVERYTHING! You never stop thinking that there’s something you have to improve about yourself and your always competing with everyone seeing who’s best’.
 
One girl shared ‘It creates a lot of jealousy in your friendship groups and people try to bring each other down because no-one is ever really happy with how they are’.

Another girl said,
Or you see your friends change because they think they need to be different. They’re not happy with themselves, they think they need to be something so they start changing and its sad because they’re trying to be something and you no longer have your friend because they are putting on an act of how they think they need to be, it’s sad to see what they are doing to themselves but also you feel sad because you’ve lost your friend and everyone’s kind of lonely in that’.
I have also heard a girl share how she didn’t want to grow up. When I asked her why she said,
Because I see how hard my Mum works at trying to be perfect and have everything together and she’s actually really good at things and always looks beautiful and I don’t think I will ever be able to keep up with that because I can’t do some of the things she does, so I don’t want to grow up and have that pressure and I worry I won’t be good enough’.
Many girls talk about how they are worried about this idea that they need to be perfect and what they observe in the women they see and the pressure and overwhelm of that is having a major impact on them and how they see themselves.
 
When you hear these comments come out of the mouths of young girls you realise that we have a real problem. It is creating major stress and anxiety in many young people and this pressure is not just isolated to girls. There is an ever growing pressure on boys too.
 
Boys often share that the messages they receive from media are that they have to be tough, have a six pack, have to like violence, have to treat women mean and be prepared to beat them up and they either have to look good, have great hair and a hot car or if they don’t look good they at least have to have a hot girlfriend. I heard a five year old boy putting himself down because he didn’t have a six pack so he thought he wasn’t as good as his friend. When I grew up this was not on our radar at this age.
 
I hear lots of kids talking about the video games they play, some kids as young as five and six are playing games where their character can buy prostitutes, rape women, verbally abuse them, run them over, bash them up or throw grenades at them and blow them up.

Where have we got to as a society, that we are making and marketing games like this to our kids? They may have a MA rating but children are still a target audience of these games, they have easy access to them and they ARE playing them and they also know that adults made these games.
A 12 year old boy was talking to me about the changes he was seeing in his friends when they played these games and what he was worried about, he said that when he goes to their houses they spend the whole time on games and don’t talk or play with you and then they just get really abusive to their family and everyone around them and its awkward to be around when they do that.
He also said,
I heard on the radio that psychologists are being employed to make video games that get kids addicted to them, I just don’t get it, they went to University to study psychology to help people and now they are using those skills to do something that they know harms kids. I have been thinking about why they would do that and the only reason I can come up with is greed, they do it for money’. 
To those who say, ‘its just a game and it’s not having an impact’. I say, spend a day listening to the conversations of kids and observing their behaviours after playing these games and you will see it is, it’s having a very big impact, and not one that I am proud of.
 
You really have to imagine what it’s like as an eight year old girl growing up and having your older brother playing a video game in your lounge room where he is raping or bashing women and that’s now just considered a ‘normal game’. Children are very sensitive and take in a lot of what is happening around them, this situation is devastating for a young girl because it violates the trust she has in people and it feels very unsafe growing up in a world where this type of violence is normalised and seen as a ‘game’.
 
Or imagine being a young boy and having your friends get into games like this and thinking that’s how you have to be too, and that’s what you need to be into when everything in you is deeply upset by what you see. But no-one is talking about it and you know that it’s adults who have made these games, so you think maybe it's okay, ‘maybe there’s something wrong with me’. So you go with it, as so many young boys and men do, simply so they are not accused of being called gay. (and the fact that this is seen as a sign of weakness is of course a problem in itself).
 
This pressure for girls to be perfect and to think that abuse of women is normal is everywhere today, it is creating great anxiety, stress and a real lack of confidence and worth in our girls.
 
As a society we really need to come together, get involved and support young girls and boys. We need every girl to know her beauty and deeply value who she is and be comfortable in her own skin and her right to value herself.
 
When you see young girls:
- refusing to eat in case they put on any weight
- sharing that they can’t sleep because they are so anxious that someone might post something bad about them on social media that they can’t put their phone down and they never sleep properly and are crying from the tiredness and stress and you sit there wondering what years of living like this is doing to a growing body and mind.
- or when you see girls isolating themselves by taking on a persona of thinking they have to be dismissive, sexualised, abusive and aloof and seeing the great impact this has on the whole peer group including the boys
- or dancing with provocative moves to the latest hit song at a talent show to a room full of younger kids watching this and all the adults sitting feeling very uncomfortable with the fact that this is now just what young girls think ‘dancing’ is.
 
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When you hear stories of girls as young as 10 to 14 years being hospitalised for self harm you start to see the magnitude of this problem and you know that we need to work together to address this. We can’t leave it up to our kids to find their way through this mess.
 
We need to support both boys and girls to build confidence in who they are and be able to talk about some of these pressures so that they are more equipped to be able to withstand this and feel solid in themselves.

Click here to see the full program of events at the Girl to Woman Festival.
11 Comments

Body Image: Vintage Pictures vs Modern Ideals

28/11/2015

2 Comments

 
By Jessica Williams, 18yrs

Recently I was looking online at ‘vintage pictures’ for inspiration of images that I could put up in my room. What I discovered littered between sepia images of flowers, old keys, and the Eiffel tower, was quite revealing: I found articles/advertisements, similar to the one below, for women who have poor body image, advocating weight gain by saying: “Don’t think you’re “born” to be skinny and friendless”…. “If you want to look better by adding desired pounds and inches of welcome weight… try WATE-ON”, and “Men wouldn’t look at me when I was skinny”. In a nutshell these body images show skinny as the undesired body shape and the one to get rid of.
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1950’s Vintage Style Image © Jessica Williams 2015
This baffled me, as in my living memory, all I have ever been told and shown in magazines, on TV, etc… is that skinny is the ideal and that one can never be too thin! And this summary doesn’t come close to representing all of the articles, in fact there were many more – it seems that at the time, that was what was ‘normal’ and widespread; that the media portrayed the ideal as ‘curvy and gorgeous’ instead of the current ‘slim and beautiful’.

I had all these thoughts going through my head: who then decides the ‘ideal’? What an outrage…. and…. How can it change with time? But what I could see is that although, yes, there is an ideal that was presented in the media of that time that is different to the ideal that is presented now – it is actually still the same – just two different sides of the same coin! There is the same undercurrent of women being unhappy with their bodies, and that even though some may have achieved the ‘ideal’ (shown in the articles as models for the ‘look’), how could it have satisfied them when the ideal then shifted to the opposite!

It would appear that there was no passing down through generations of how to be satisfied with our body regardless of what’s ‘trending’ and what someone else’s choice of an ideal body image might be.
This leaves us with two important questions:
Is it then more important to figure out how we can accomplish whatever the ‘ideal’ is of that particular time period, OR is it more important to address why as a society we have allowed women of all ages to dislike their bodies, and perhaps be seen to even be endorsing that deeply devious and poisonous attitude?

The latter seems the more obvious choice to me…. And as part of starting (or continuing) this discussion, I would like to contribute that in my experience of women who both dislike and love their bodies – it seems like the dissatisfaction doesn’t actually come from how women look and whether they are curvy or skinny, but from how they live and feel in their own skin on a daily basis.

My experience of women who truly love their bodies (regardless of the ‘ideal’ body image out there) and describe themselves as beautiful even though they may not be size 0, is that the way they live and take care of themselves affirms their body confidence and supports them in every way.

There is also a deep honouring of how they feel, what they feel to do, when they feel to go to bed if tired, and what they feel to eat. And there is a connection or relationship with the fact that they (and all women) are naturally beautiful on the inside – that the amazingness they feel every day that comes as a result of these choices to live in a different way to the trend, can be expressed outwards, and it just so happens that very often this expression through their clothes, makeup and movements, can be truly beautiful.

So now I am offering you the reader the floor here – what difference do you find in the way that you live on a daily basis that can affect how you feel about your body?
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Self-loathing, My Closet and Me

8/11/2015

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By Jessica Williams, 18yrs
The weekend before last, I was feeling great in myself, no feeling of self-loathing in sight and whilst tidying my room I decided to go through the clothes in my closet. I was in the mood for a deep clear out, and it was definitely needed!
My Closet and My Body Image
Around two and a half years ago I put on a substantial amount of weight (around 10kg) and within a number of months another 5kg got added more gradually. This was a consequence of not wanting to move forward in my life, and instead digging my heels in. As a result a lot of my clothes, especially jeans and dresses, didn’t fit me any more. My body image hit rock bottom, and my self-loathing skyrocketed.
Instead of throwing these clothes away I made piles of them and put these piles at the back of my cupboard, so that when I ‘got skinny’ in the future (that was the plan), I would be able to wear them again. Sounds practical and simple, no? Or so I thought..
Back to the clear out…and Losing Excess Weight
Part of the reason I was going through my closet was because I have been starting to feel better about my body as I had lost some of this excess weight recently. It did not happen through any crazy diet, such as the one-day eating/one-day not eating, which I had tried before and it didn’t really work for me, or a new and improved exercise routine. All I did was start to make different choices to look after myself, and to do things that make me feel good – super simple. A stark contrast to the regular binges that I used to do almost every night, and the total lack of exercise. But that’s another story…
So, back to the closet, I was going through the clothes and although some of them now fitted me – I didn’t feel any self-applause, and there was no climatic moment, which is what I had expected myself to feel after hardly being able to breathe whenever I tried these clothes on over the past two years. Instead I actually felt unsettled and uncomfortable. But why?
When Self-Loathing came out of the Closet
Whilst trying the clothes, I could feel the self loathing that I had been bullying myself with just oozing out of the closet, like I had been holding my self and my body to ransom for all that time, saying “you’re not good enough unless you fit into these clothes”. That’s a lot of times, opening up my closet and instead of looking in my mirror on the inside of my cupboard door and appreciating and adoring what I saw, I was bullying myself in my head saying I was just not good enough.
What I realised is that these piles of self-loathing had just been sitting there in my room and in my mind/body for all this time, and I had been carrying it with me every single day. I can now understand why I have avoided looking at my body so much in the past and have just used clothes to hide in, instead of expressing how beautiful I actually am.
No more getting trapped in self-loathing
In the week after I cleared out my closet I felt a lot lighter – not necessarily on the scales, but in how I approached each day, and in everything that I did. It was interesting to notice that I enjoyed living in and looking at my body more and more as the week went on – which was amazing to feel, and I felt beautiful not because of how I looked in the mirror or if I fitted into the ‘skinny clothes’, but because of how I felt when I walked, worked and when I spoke.
But at the start of this week, there was a difference. There were those thoughts sneaking in again of, “you should lose weight” or “that’s not good enough”. At first I was annoyed, as I thought I had gotten over this self-loathing issue the week before! However, I realised it doesn’t happen just like that – my closet was just one ‘pocket’ that I had looked at and by looking at it and dealing with it (or at least having a first go, as there is more clearing out to do), it had made a huge difference in my life.
The question then came; what is the next pocket to look at?
I came to an understanding that instead of going the downward spiral way of putting myself down (which I have experienced), and getting trapped in self-loathing I can only grow in how beautiful I feel as a woman if I am prepared to look at what the next thing, in the way of me expressing in full, is there to let go of.
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After Hours Discussion Groups at the Belle General

13/11/2014

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In the lead up to the Girl to Woman festival join us at The Belle General Cafe in Ballina for two late afternoon tea discussions – for young women, their mothers, sisters and friends. These sessions which will take place after the cafe is closed for the days trade, will be held as intimate discussion groups for women and young women aged 13+. 

BOOKINGS ESSENTIAL – 
AS PLACES WILL BE LIMITED. 

See booking form below


Session 1: Pressures, Friends and Everything in between. 
Tuesday November 18th 5pm-6.30pm   
An honest discussion for young women about life and relationships through the teenage years.
Facilitated by Kristy Wood and Rebecca Baldwin – presenters at the upcoming Girl to Woman Festival
 
Session 2: True Beauty and Your Body – Loving the skin you are in.
Tuesday December 2nd 5.30pm-6.30pm ***** NEW START TIME OF 5.30pm (registration from 5.15pm)
Where: The Belle General –12 Shelly Beach RD East Ballina
For ages 13+
What does it mean to cherish and honour yourself and your body? 
What does it look like when you don't? 
From eating disorders to sports obsessions to burying ourselves in books, we look at the many things that we do to avoid appreciating our beauty and our bodies.
Is change possible? Can we love the skin we are in?
How does this look day to day and how does it affect our relationships and our feelings about ourselves? Presented by Kyla Plummer, Rebecca Baldwin and Kristy Wood

Chai Tea and Herbal Teas plus Kyla’s Granola Slice will be available to purchase at a special Girl to Woman promotional rate on the day.

If you love it share it - use the big ol' share buttons on the right of the screen to share this with friends.

Limited spaces: book below to ensure your spot.


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