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Pretty: The Greatest Lie a Girl is Sold

24/11/2015

14 Comments

 
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Words by Rebecca Asquith, Photo by Emilia Pettinato

Today I opened up my emails and saw the truth beneath ‘pretty’. A young woman was staring back at me from a dress-shop advert, her Barbie-eyes almost painted on… and not just the make-up but the eyeball itself, a flat matte blue.
 
Her hair was styled just so, the predictable tresses falling around her shoulders, the Hollywood curls that every ad-girl seems to have – the epitome of typical beauty. Thigh gap. Skin bronzed. Teeth whitened. Check.
 
But there it was. The undeniable thing that everyone can feel whether they wish to see it or not.
 
The young woman was anxious. It was there in plain sight. It was in her look to the camera. A look that seemed to silently scream, ‘please tell me you approve of me. Please do something to help me believe I am worthy of being in this photo, in your gaze… in these pages and in my own skin.’
 
All the make-up became invisible.
 
In that moment all the constructed ‘prettiness’ fell away, stripped back to the raw... and I was left looking at the reality: at the ugly truth of the anxiety and lack of self-worth that so many girls and women find that they feel every day.
 
Despite every effort, young women are more anxious than ever before with 1 in 3 experiencing anxiety and many more running in a low-grade form of anxiety most of the time. (Beyond Blue, 2015)
 
And even the best selfie with the best lighting and the best angle doesn’t take that look out of the eyes; if it relieves the tension for a few ‘likes’ it is only momentary. The tension returns; it doesn’t change the race we are running against an invisible enemy.
 
When I was young I was sold a lie about pretty. It is a lie I still get caught by. The lie is this. If you make yourself pretty you will be liked . . . Prince Charming / some hot guy will see you, fall in love on sight and protect you for the rest of his days, the happy-ever-after we chase like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
 
But here are a few things I have learnt about ‘pretty’:
 
  • Striving to look pretty in order to be liked leaves you feeling anxious… and it doesn’t work, because anxiousness is not enjoyable. And it is your joy that makes you gorgeous.

  • Ask yourself how many times a day you do things because you think that it is what someone else wanted you to do or say. Really stop and ask yourself. It might surprise you how often we do things based on their perceived value to others.
 
  • Feeling beautiful and getting to know yourself, in detail – really asking yourself what is your favourite colour, lipstick or gloss (or not), what is your favourite pair of jeans or dress and what feels right for you today – is key to getting to know yourself.
 
To know yourself is to know your power. The most powerful and beautiful women I know are beautiful because they know themselves. Their eyes are not flat, but on fire with a spark and spunk that no hyper-blue purple contact lens can imitate. Their eyes never ask you to like them – they tell you they are It.
 
And your power might be delicate – sometimes you might be shy, sometimes you will feel a lot, honouring what you feel and really clocking it, then standing by yourself as though you are your own best friend; that is a power that others will know you by. And the best part is you won’t even be looking to see if they see it, because you will be living in it and not looking for someone else out there to confirm it for you – you will be too busy enjoying the skin you are in…
 
What is beauty and power to you? Let us know in the comments.
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Rebecca Asquith is an internet professional, writer and media educator with an interest in women’s health and wellbeing online and off. She will be presenting on social media and body image at the upcoming Girl to Woman Festival on Saturday January 9th 2016.

Follow her on Twitter @bec_asquith
For festival updates follow @girl_2_woman 

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14 Comments
Abby
21/11/2015 07:15:56 pm

Beauty to me comes when I feel very content and accepting of myself however. The more I look after myself, the better I feel about myself. Sometimes I enjoy being quite social and sometimes I prefer to stay in - I used to think there was something wrong with me if I didn't feel like being social, but I don't anymore.

Becoming my own best friend commences with deeply registering my feelings.

Reply
Anne Malatt
21/11/2015 10:22:14 pm

Great blog, Rebecca. Yes, we have been sold a lie, and one that has made us very very anxious indeed! I see my incredibly beautiful teenage daughter and her friends struggling with self-esteem issues, and know that I did too at that age. And I also see that the only people who don't struggle are the ones who know who they truly are. And we know who they are too, for their beauty shines forth from within, through their eyes.

Reply
Lea Ann Westmoreland
22/11/2015 01:11:47 am

Power is graciously offering to put someone else first with gentle words or actions. Beauty is a joy-filled spirit like a toddler playing with a puppy or a 90-something basking in conversation with a loved one.

Reply
Sarah Baldwin
22/11/2015 07:13:51 am

Hi Rebecca,
What is beauty and power to me?....It is confidence, solidness, it's an anchor that reminds everyone and everything in its wake of how stunning they are equally to it. An enthusiasm and bounce in your step, a smiles and laugh that engages all of you.
A strength like no other, as it is not afraid to be delicate.
The willingness to surrender to love and to know that listening deeply is one of the most attractive quality one can posses.

Reply
Leigh Matson
22/11/2015 03:34:35 pm

What is beauty and power to me?
It's something that comes from within, you can't dress up or make up to make yourself beautiful or powerful, trying only feels false and in the instances I have attempted this the 'pretty' trap promises so much but the reality falls very short of that image. Standing by my feelings like my own best friend has been a much more solid and consistent approach to beauty and power even if my consistency has waned this approach never fails to deliver.

Reply
Karin Becker
22/11/2015 04:24:01 pm

A wonderful article Rebecca, I so very well remember: as long as I did not have a connection with myself - I was anxious. This feeling of nervousness was unavoidable no matter how hard I tried to achieve some sort of self confidence. And then everything changed when I started to remember who I truly am, re-discovering my inner strength, my joy, sensitivity and unique beauty. Now having this direct experience of the innate power as a woman has become the energy which is moving me forward.

Reply
Denise Cavanough
22/11/2015 05:31:24 pm

"honouring what you feel and really clocking it, then standing by yourself as though you are your own best friend; that is a power that others will know you by. And the best part is you won’t even be looking to see if they see it, because you will be living in it and not looking for someone else out there to confirm it for you – you will be too busy enjoying the skin you are in…"
When that strength comes from within, there is an absolute power in you, and what others think does not even come into your radar .

Reply
George Akerley
24/11/2015 11:53:57 pm

Earlier this year, I was exposed to myself that my innermost person is feminine. In coming to grips, I fully accepted this, and I've since changed a few things in my life so as to be more "at home" with my true self. From what you've written here, I realize more and more this truth. Trans? No, I'm not. I will retain this male outer body, yet realize I'm an All-American girl. I'm encouraged when I read something like you've written, and I'm happy to know the truth that I am feminine. Thank you.

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Victoria Carter
26/11/2015 08:55:26 am

It's an empty stare, isn't it Rebecca. The anxious or at times deliberately provocative gaze that meets us so often through the eyes of women that we are sold hold true beauty. The gaze that if we lose ourselves to it and don't go deeper to sense what's beneath, would have us feeling less, potentially clambering for all the means possible to 'improve' our outer appearance, or just give up altogether. Phew...
True beauty is far deeper than the outer appearance, as you've described so well – it is felt, known, it is to be nurtured and celebrated... It is in every woman. I still get caught at times also, but the veneer of the outer reveals itself more readily as I come to know and appreciate my own beauty all the more deeply. We are so worth stepping beyond the veneer. Thanks for opening up the conversation here.

Reply
Susan Lee link
27/11/2015 05:58:50 pm

Being fed the lie of 'pretty' warps our perceptions of life and we end up living a life that is devoid of any true self. Warmly embracing our own inner beauty allows us to radiate a true sense of self and a beautiful connection to others. As you say Rebecca when women are self-honouring and self loving and allow the world to see their natural fragility 'Their eyes are not flat, but on fire with a spark and spunk' that is undeniably gorgeous.

Reply
Kathleen Baldwin
1/12/2015 07:16:30 am

Great article Rebecca, approaching my 60th year I see the anxiety in young women escalating with the onslaught of ideals projected at them from all angles through the media. We all need to be reminded that the joy that is naturally us is true beauty as it brings a sparkle and depth to our eyes that cannot be produced artificially and that defies age.

Reply
Katerina Nikolaidis
26/12/2015 02:35:46 pm

This is brilliant Rebecca, cracking something that plagues young girls and women everywhere, and has done for generations. We enslave ourselves having bought into the notion of pretty. We've also cut ourselves off from each other, in competition and the sizing up of who is prettier than me. Women and young girls today are sold the billboard pictures of women with a vacant look that says this is pretty. Leave yourself behind. We then wonder why young girls today face so many pressures, why self-harm has gone through the roof as have eating disorders. Pretty is not innocent, it is an insidious game being played by advertising agencies and corporations that have had the upper hand for a very long time, with the clear objective of making a woman and young girl not feel enough with the gorgeousness she naturally and always is.

Reply
Janene Clemence
26/12/2015 03:13:22 pm

What a cracking good article Rebecca - a lot of wisdom there! Women of today, young and old alike need to hear such truth, repeatedly! I've seen for myself, just how much I have grown in the time I have been gently working through my own anxiety ... having fallen for the lie when much younger. In reconnecting to myself, learning to truly love the true me, now there is no more hiding - I know Truth, I am willing to express what I feel to and feel comfortable in my own skin. That to me is true beauty and power, absolutely!

Reply
Carmel Reid link
24/1/2016 07:37:15 am

I love this blog - the picture you conjure up of those flat blue eyes screaming 'Please like me' and the anxiousness that underpins our whole society - it is endemic. I agree that getting to know yourself, such as what is your favourite colour, is true power. Trusting what we feel on the inside more than what we see in the magazines and on social media.

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